By Drew Tyson
One thing out-of-towners don’t understand about Portland is that it really is a place young people go to retire. What does that mean? Well, as anyone with grandparents can attest, it means pets. Dogs in particular. Dogs they invariably take everywhere, including your favorite bar. So as a public service, we’ve assembled this handy field guide to the 10 types of dog owners you see in Stumptown bars.
1. Owners who dress their dogs up
If there’s one thing Portland dog owners love more than dressing themselves up, it’s dressing their dogs up (he looks sooooo cute as a shark!), or putting ’em in a little rubber raincoat even though nature already gave ’em one.
2. The over-sharers
Their new puppy’s tiny little paws and furry face are pretty cute the first few times they show up in your Facebook feed, but pretty soon it gets a litt… oh look! Spot’s sitting on a barstool! Isn’t he precious?
3. The homeless kids outside Ground Kontrol…
… Or pretty much any other spot in Oldtown, who want your quarters, but don’t want you to notice their dog has a suspiciously full belly and a clean bandana wrapped around its shoulders. We’re not buying it kid, get back to the suburbs.
4. Is that a pet or an accessory?
“OMG where did you get that Shiba carrying case!? That’s totes in right now.” “But do you think it goes with these shoes? I don’t know, I’m thinking about taking it back.”
5. The ones that order for ’em
Dude, your pooch would probably rather eat the stuff in the picture above.
6. “Oh, this is my service dog”
If Rover’s really a Diabetes service dog, shouldn’t he stop you from that pizza, and that boozy milkshake?
7. The exercise fanatics
The only thing worse than the dude in the bar wearing nothing but lycra is the dude in the bar wearing nothing but lycra who brought his dog.
8. The ones with too many pets
The only thing worse than waiting in line for brunch at the Screen Door is doing it while tripping over the seven dogs you’ve got tied up out front.
9. He only uses the dog to pick up chicks
“Oh, it’s so cute! What kind of dog is it?” they’ll inevitably be asked before quickly blurting out a bullsh*t rescue story about how it was fate that brought the little guy into his life… so he could shove some Kibbles ‘n Bits at it once a day, then take it to the Starbucks on 23rd for as long as it takes to get a handful of numbers.
10. The type that won’t let you touch their dog
Here’s some advice: if you don’t want anyone near your pet… DON’T BRING IT TO A BAR!